taking in the ocean

heavy waves roll overhead
every current has its way
but i can't recall the fall
and i don't remember sinking

breathing was easy with you nearby
until you became the sea, and called to me

i'll gladly give up land and sky
for a glimpse of you in motion
a few words from you to me
is like taking in the ocean

the waves roll on within me
every current bids me speak
but i can't unveil the truth yet
and i forget what i am thinking, when i-

-hear you crash against my shores, i can't decide:
will i live always in longing, or abandon breath itself and dive?

i gladly gave up air and pride
to be swallowed by emotion
now, a few words from you to me
and i'm taking in the ocean

my lungs will have their fill of you
in a fit of raw devotion
and a few more words from you to me
will drown me blissfully

a few more words from you to me
and i'll be taking in the ocean

in my head

if only you had two eyes,
how gladly i would blind them,
and send you stumbling far from here.
-
and suppose you had two hands--
how tightly i would bind them,
in honor of your cruel career.


let's pretend you're made of flesh!
how gleefully i'd gore you
for all the work you've done today.
-
make believe you have a heart,
and i could tear it from you...
i'd giggle like a child at play.


what if you were my own blood?
i'd slash my veins to drain you,
your gurgling screams: my peaceful song.
-
and if I were God Himself?
how wrathfully I'd send you
down to the Pit where you belong.


~ ~ ~


what if i flee by dreaming?
how patiently you're waiting
for me to wake. your eyes: deep red.
-
you torture me with anger.
how strange that i would help you,
yet long to conquer you instead.

answer me

what twist of chance en-fleshed this truth?
your fears, which i once tossed aside,
are now revealed as justified.

and who can measure its narrow depths?
for reasons far beyond your ken,
the gap between is deeper than.

and how can these be reconciled?
two rights can make a wrong, it seems,
if caution keeps what love redeems.

and why do true friends bring you tears?
your loyalty can't be denied,
nor can i fault what you decide.

and when was courage born in me?
by moonlight, or in darker times?
or by my own forgiven crimes?

and where will moonlight lead you now?
reluctantly forsake the dawn,
else wake to find that i am gone.

leave me

exceptions made once gave me brighter eyes,
but now they keep me safe from a pallid light.
this light once kept me warm: the moon at night...
but now, the cold: the darkened, peaceful skies

i can only guess what you want from me
tonight, so like that first request...
now as then, your words are misleading me,
so tonight, i choose to fail your test.

~ ~ ~

so bold of you, to take a seat so close
and i, for once revealed, still try to hide
but take your shot; perhaps we’ll meet again...
...or maybe that’s a road already tried.

see how the past repeats itself?
where first you gave a second glance,
now shy, yet brave, you give another...
unearthing corpses, asking them to dance.

so unlike you, to use this time to chat,
and i, for once, respond... with empty tone.
but nonetheless, ask all that’s on your mind:
a test to see if i have truly grown.

see how the past repeats itself?
where first i tried to flee from you,
you’ll try again; i’ll run awhile,
completing patterns, making old the new.

so this is you, remembering the times
and i, caught by surprise, must acquiesce
but reminiscing spoils my control,
so leave me to enjoy my loneliness.

see how the past repeats itself?
where first the white flag fluttered high,
now, i can’t offer half my kingdom...
now, i can’t see where i have come from...

now that i’ve finally found my freedom,
for once, i’m afraid to die.

sleeping forever

oblivion, claim me, and don't ever wake me; my
dreaming's more real than the world where i'm from. friends,
write me from time to time-- you'll never find me. you
probly won't recognize what i've become:

sleeping forever, untouched by whatever may
open my eyes to the bright light of life
sleeping forever, so lost in a dream, never
greeting the dawn again; please, i have never been
happier than when i'm sleeping again

something's been teasing my mind, something playful, a
sound like a game i would rather not play. some-
one has been calling for me to return, but i
pray i can stay, unaware night and day

keep me forgetful, at home in the void
darker my mind every moment of time
passing me by, all my chances to be me; just
leave me alone to my slumber sublime

sleeping forever; no, never awakening
taking my own life without ever dying. i
know i'm alone while i'm sleeping forever, but
truly, i've not known a better good-bye

diamonds

~ dedicated to Firalyn Tiatra ~

fire, forgive me, my faith is misplaced
truly, your mirror has lied to me
now and again, these treasures erased
yet still so clearly seen, and chased

brother, forgive me, my first love betrayed
i've traded for silver your bright white gold
casting my nets on the other side
my fantasy is bold, untried

friend, won't you give me a handful of tears?
most swallowed in depths too vast for me
some dancing across the quiet clear
but soon as they're touched- all disappear

my open door

though days and miles and experience
divide the once-united,
soon death will see the end of this...
for death is truly dead.
although here-after often calls,
my living room still has no walls.

in frantic hope i twice have dreamt.
lucidly, i speak in rhyme,
and bid my heart hope not at all,
for fear of cheating time.
it's not forgetfulness that heals,
but selfishness in me yet kneels.

of all the hopes i have for you:
if heaven is the brightest,
then life is just a fading mist...
then life is just a test.
but i believe in Life before
the coming here-after's open door.

your ghostly form now passes to me.
i swear on my life, it will not return.
let fade the mist of harsh memory:
the moon and the stars, and lessons i've learned.

you

~ dedicated to Lisa, Jenihe, Katie, Rheanna, Elizabeth, Scarfnee ~ ~ and all of their sisters ~

an emptiness, an absent void
darkness, cold and still- then, like the
ripples on the sea before a storm
warm Breath gave shapeless mass its infant form

first ink, then coal, then heavy clouds,
then ash, then fog- all shades of grey
the rising Wind sang strong and bright
it freed the day and bound the night

expanse of white: a canvas dry
but over and under, a flood of tears
the Artist's brush, dipped in clear,
swept from end to end: the sky

now dipped in brown, and red, and black
His fingertip parted the seas
whispering tides fled solid rock
booming waves came tumbling back

over stark and barren land
canopies of green were spread
sprung from seeds so smoothly, swiftly scattered
by Sower's gentle, quivering hand

sky, siezed by Inspiration
made pale, and gold, the third day earth
by light of moon and stars, and sun
cast new light on creation's birth

siezed again, its quiet space was filled
with dancing wings and mournful cries
and deeper blue, given Life, as well,
by flashing scales and unblinking eyes

more lively still, the next day's dawn,
when all His creatures great and small
walked virgin grass and water's surface,
found heights to climb and crevices to crawl

and ruler over all of these
God's mirror, made of flesh and bone
delighted in everything his eyes could see
yet knew he was alone

~ ~ ~

a disturbing phrase: “it is not good”
my heart asks the question the words imply
I set out for beyond the furthest stars
seeking a divinely wise reply

deeper than the deepest riddle
eyes unclouded, unconcealed
reveal what tongues cannot express
bring dreams to life, and make them real

i kneel before Creator's throne
He bids me rise, and cast my gaze
across His gallery of art,
a millenium's work of seven days

soothing like the sound of rain
with a heart more joyful than angels' songs
bringing pleasures, stealing pain
showing me where i belong

He shows me narrow veins of gold
and mighty rivers smooth as glass
i bow to honor His wondrous crafts,
yet i bow still lower, as you pass

smoother, softer than a rose
the lips that heaven's glory kissed
stirring souls as sunsets do
refreshing like the morning mist

His firstborn son awakes; He rests,
for what could add to His reknown?
what beauty to improve God's very best?
what gem bright enough for creation's crown?

ten 'till six

i woke you with dreams not your own
against your will, but you didn't mind
you waited for me without knowing the kind of
chance you left behind

i ruined an otherwise restless sleep
with a single moment of heart: fulfilled,
of denial denied, of paralysis stilled, and
resistance finally killed

i haunt your waking world with shades
of burgundy-red, and black, and white
my echoing images, fading light in
eyes that steal your sight

i ghost around the corner of the
memories you'll never truly know
of futures far too far to show, now
twice-bathed in lunar glow

i anchor you to unsaid words, to the
debt of kisses and pain of uncaught tears
they fall to mark the lonely years that
feed the spirit's fears

i speak your name to startle you into a
life that has a life of its own
you fail to confess how much its grown from
all the wild seeds sown

i keep you chained to moments passed by
by passing glances and that random smile
that captivates you for that little while with
just a little guile

~ ~ ~

i bring you closer
to stars not wished upon
to romantic visions, long gone

i bring you closer
to a love not yet understood
but if you chose to, you would

i bring you closer
to the one who draws near
only to turn back around, in fear

~ ~ ~

ten 'till six, and all is well
wishes to grant, and secrets to tell
morning ends mourning, night brings more pain
your loss of resolve is my gain

again

i remind you of when
at the start of the end
of the year of our dance
i gave you a chance
then took it away
along with your day
along with your stubborn complacency
but only enough so that you could see

that what you can't find
you see in me

that what you can't see
is found in me

your simile

~ dedicated to Luthien ~

as empty as cup overflowing
as weak as autumn wind blowing
as dark as orange sun rising
as boring as poem surprising

as cruel as infant's smile
as clumsy as beauty's guile
as shallow as Saviour's heart
as close as two worlds apart

as foolish as Solomon's prayer
as sour as clear mountain air
as enslaved as a soaring hawk
as easy as learning to walk... sometimes

as worthless as God's creation
as resistible as temptation
as chilly as soul's inner fire
as harmless as hidden desire

as poor as king's daughter
as lifeless as rushing water
as solemn as child's laughter
as dull as believer's life-after

as done as a journey of four or five years
as old as one with untamed fears
as cheap as a night's uncounted tears
as false as the words of magic mirrors

as easy to stop as wandering streams
as easy to reach as one's own dreams
as easy to grasp as moonbeams

as long as i've one more sleepless night
as long as the joy of the future's in sight
as long as there's one more poem to write...

the verses i find in my mind will be
the songs that i sing in my heart will be
the way that your soul draws mine will be

your simile

lost in the moonlight

my blessing tonight is solitude... and i'd gladly do without it
my closest friend is my enemy,
staring through the mirror at me
daring me to search but never find
to leave my home and lock the door behind
reminding me to throw away the key
to vanish from the world's sight
to get lost in the moonlight

my curse tonight is identity... and i'd like to forget about it
the murmurs of my lonely heart
are loathe to keep the two apart:
the one who's driven to seek me out
and i, the one who clings to doubt
yet i can't believe that love could be my right
so i'll sleep by day, walk alone by night
my smile lost in the moonlight

my life tonight is in others... and i hope they forgive me for it
selflessness says, as my only guide,
"it's always worth the pain and pride
to be incomplete for completion's sake
to put the self to sleep, and never wake
to live out life, yet die inside
to act as though you might
like to be lost in the moonlight"

my true face tonight is in hiding... and i'll never truly miss it
a star close by might reveal my grin-
or maybe it will find my sin
my friends tell me i cannot run;
their laughter invites me into the sun,
to meet the me i could've been...
but if i have to be alone tonight
i'd rather be lost in the moonlight

destiny, dream, or dying man's delight,
to wander lost in the moonlight?

wind and rain

wind and rain, smooth and grey
gentle hands caressing my mind
lifting my soul despite the gloom
they comfort the deaf, and soothe the blind

i lift my voice as my thirst is quenched
but a mischevous gust takes my song away
only to bring the notes back again
as its feathery fingers continue their play

each teardrop, each breeze, each firm, cool embrace
speaks of glory and peace to my wistful soul
though i long for the storm, and the calm that it brings
still content is my spirit: fulfilled, calm, and whole

wind and rain, refreshing my heart
more silent than death; sweeter than wine
melodies, harmonies, teasing my ear
weaving a song far fairer than mine

i am the deaf man; i am the blind
my senses are stolen by sunshine so bright
though others may smile at the rainbow horizon
i find greatest solace in the absence of light

weary from toil and sorrows abounding
i lie under shadows of cloud-strewn skies
dreaming of nothing (and finding it pleasant)
my vision returns when i close my eyes

wind and rain, fickle and fair
guiding the lost, inspiring the found
stilling the busy, exciting the sloth
chaining the free and freeing the bound

we are emo

we speak of boiling blood,
or souls of ice
or both, together
and in the melting, lose our words

our eyes betray the hidden zeal
of fervent prayers and deep despair-
yet blink when others pass,
to keep us safe from admitted pain
which is never the worst kind.
it is the best,
yet we fear it the most.

we crave the need to want more
and so search, and often find
and laugh along when others laugh
at our empty hands, more blessed than they
who never seem to feel alive,
or dead.

confess our sins,
or confess our selves?
which requires more forgiveness?
or which needs more Love?
our evil belongs in emptiness
our selves belong in others.

finally breaking, we can run no more
storm-clouds from across a troubled sea
too heavy to move, too dark to see
we begin to rain...

and when the rain begins,
the filthy air: first blurred, then pure
everything in our world can breathe again
as it was meant to
an expression of how important expression is,

and what we must do now.

made to be broken

deep and blue, but only a few yards wide
moves with the moon
swells with the tide
up and down, it knows it will be home soon

straight and firm, yet scarcely as thick as string
stands with its friends
shelters a king
old and worn, it gets stronger as it bends

back and forth, as random as chance can be
determines fate
represents me
deaf and dumb, yet regards both love and hate

tall and proud, the standard for wrong and right
treasured by God
kept polished bright
strict and fair, imprisons with a brief nod

~ ~ ~

vast and full, locked up inside four foot five
left long ago
cannot arrive
black and white, himself he will never know

moon-bathing

~ dedicated to Heather Longoria ~
~ another hopeless romantic ~

she sees the sinking Cheshire smile
stops to sit and stare awhile
this stolen moment, so worth while
to watch the moon bathing.

such tired eyes that pierce the sky
once confident, now dull and shy
to the real, she waves goodbye
she needs this moonbathing.

desperate dreams drift through her mind
yet yield to a dream of another kind
a future to which her eyes are blind
but now she's moonbathing.

eyes now blind; but not her heart
she sees His growing work of art
a deeper vision to impart
for He loves moonbathing.

a strength to hold- he holds her still
a heart so bold- she feels the thrill
of waiting, patiently, until
he's finished moonbathing.

he'll wax and wane, the passing night
till eyes can see and sky is bright
with faith and loyalty; her right
to feel the moon-bathing.

romance, true love, and chivalry
she searches for so quietly
trust is more a guarantee
when she is moonbathing.

a heart that beats as one with hers
the wish she makes, so calm and sure
but as she wakes, the vision blurs
no longer moonbathing

her sleep-filled eyes, now open wide
shining forth the joy inside
the longing of a future bride
to see the moon bathing.

the secret depth of her desire
to quench his thirst and feel his fire
she knows that he has long admired
the future moon-bathing.

~ ~ ~

she snuggles in, turns out the light
but cannot sleep for her delight
in waiting till the time is right
to be the moon bathing.

rock, bottom, up

a puddle of something that tastes, like nothing
it wastes, its reserves and savors its pain.
a boy with a cane, sadly stooping.
a sad drooping, flag.
the weight that i drag, makes me shriveled and weak.
wrinkly balloons that leak, musty hope.
a wandering soap,box on disfigured wheels.
feels, like i've piled up more than enough,
of the make-believe stuff, that everyone lacks,
but the facts, they so often varied.
i'm buried, in letters i thought really mattered.
tired of scattered, applause.
now i've cause, to abandon my world
i sang and i prayed. it amounted, to nothing
words must be weighed, and not counted.

whatcha been up to?

running in place
swimming upstream
building a house of cards
writing words on the beach
explaining life

floating through space
walking up the down-escalator
chasing the wind
balancing on a cloud
reaching for the sun

chewing old gum
sweeping the Mexico road
doing late homework
sipping the ocean
growing into the present

dancing with the future
stepping on toes

the door

screen of leaves
obscures your face
shades your eyes
i can't erase
the jagged scar
the firm disguise
the hot embrace
of bleeding heart

heart beats once
blood flows through
dull, lukewarm
tried; not true
though trying still
and may conform
to who i knew
or who you will

will you leave
our place of rest
of storms and void
to search, to test
a wild thing
resolve destroyed
you've laid to rest
the song i sing


the door you close
shut out the light
and shifting breeze
begin the night
the patient way
but keep the keys
for i am here
and here i'll stay

moon bathing

i snuggle in, turn out the light
i love the day and fear the night
i dream until the sky is bright
while the world is moonbathing.

the grass is warm, the water's clear
but sunlight sheds a lonely tear
in the dark, i have no fear
if i am moonbathing.

"carpe noctem, shadow man
your shadow friends have shadow plans
you slept until the night began
for you love moonbathing."

i never thought that it would fade
that pale expanse of lovely shade
full and round, my song it played
when i caught the moon bathing.

it waxed & waned, my lunar dream
hid behind celestial steam
demons wrought an evil scheme
and stole the moon bathing.

mesmerized, i watched it fly
across a tattered, windswept sky
leaving stardust in my eye
still i long for moon bathing.

bittersweet, in many ways
the month with three-hundred sixty days
yet still my heart is set ablaze
by the hope of moon bathing.

to the darkest depths i would swim, for you
my muscles strong, my spirit true
yet not before you're born anew
so i wait for the moon-bathing.

~ ~ ~

i see you, sinking Cheshire smile
think i'll sit and stare awhile
a single step can seem a mile
as I watch the moon bathing.

colors

black, for the deep stain of guilt
red, for the blood that's been spilt
grey, for the overcast sky
white, for a quick, clean goodbye

black, a replacement for brown
blue, for the sailor who drowned
green, for the growth of a seed
white, for the healing i need

black, for a cry of despair
brown, for the sackloth i wear
orange, for the fire i eat
white, for the sign of defeat

black is to honor the dead
white is the wedding gown's thread
black is the thread i now weave
white is the truth i believe

black guilt is mine
red blood is mine
grey sky is mine
white goodbye is ours

black eyes are mine
blue sailor was mine
green seed is mine
white healing is ours

black despair is mine
brown sackloth is mine
orange fire is mine
white defeat is ours

black death is hers
white gown is hers
black thread is hers
white truth is ours